COVID Weddings: The Phases of the Decision to Postpone or Go For It!
There’s a reason couples hire wedding and event planners to guide them throught the process of planning a wedding. Its hard. And emotional. And time consuming. And if you aren’t the creative type or someone who enjoys entertaining, you likely will find planning a wedding a foreign entity. Wedding & event planners thrive in the planning, the tips, the timelines, the floorplans and all the other hundreds of details involved in planning what will likely be the biggest and most expensive event you will ever throw!
(At least until YOUR daughter gets engaged!)
But on top of all those bits and pieces of planning a wedding, let’s just add a pandemic to the mix! What was once a feasible task of planning your wedding, has taken on a whole new level of questions, stress and anxiety! There is no playbook from Martha Stewart or David Tutera to guide you through this.
As planners (who lost almost all of our events in 2020), we have had the “luxury” of sitting in on literally hundreds of Zoom calls, Webinars, and good old fashioned phone calls with people in the events industry, government, and most importantly, the health leaders attempting to keep us safe and give us a crash course in all things related to handling a crisis of this magnitude.
And this changes daily. And no one is in charge to guide us as to how to navigate weddings, brides, crowds, guests, deadlines and deposits! Everyone is literally figuring it all out as we go.
So rather than try to educate you on that moving target. I have observed, and would like to share, the phases of this challenge that I have seen all of my couples go through this year as they try to handle their wedding, family, friends and the pressure to “decide”.
Stage 1: The Denial Stage
It is only natural, when your wedding day is so far away, to think yours will not be affected. You don’t actually bury your head, but you try to “remain positive” as long as you can. Your bridal party may promise you they will be there no matter what…(they are young).
Your parents, however, are likely to point out the risks, the dangers, and the impact on older relatives. Older relatives may blatantly tell you they won’t be there if they are worried about their vulnerablity…. or they “wouldn’t miss it for the world” if they don’t want to be the reason for the concern. Maybe they just feel they have lived a long, happy life and this is just a special day they have lived to see and are willing to take the risk.
Both of you are probably beginning to think of the monetary implications as deposits are sent in, and likely non-refundable.
This is the time to listen, take it all in. And think. Weigh your options and just think. Talk over the options your planner is hearing about that other couples or planners have considered or implemented. Other couples, who have gone through this already, may have a experiences they can share or advice on what they wish they would have done differently that can help you understand this uncharted territory a little better. And give you a piece of mind….
Phase 2: WEIGH IT OUT
Your next phase is likely to occur privately with just the two of you processing what everyone has shared with you, what the media is sharing with you, and what the health officials are telling you. You may hear stories about other weddings in different parts of the world or in this country. They may give you equal doses of hope and fear. Even the possiblity of having your wedding, since others have had theirs, gives you enough hope to cling to to keep your decision at bay a little longer.
There’s also a good chance you are getting irritated with family or friends, who want to force a decision or talk incessantly about your wedding, and “what your plan is”! While well intentioned, try to be patient and not let it upset you. The two of you are entitled to process this on your own and weigh your options from all sides….family, friends, money, the illness, and your dream wedding!
What you are not entitled to, is delaying the conversation up to the last minute which will stress everyone out! Including yourself. If you are comfortable with it, at least give those concerned a “decision by” date and they will probably back down and give you your space to think through the next phase. Remember to ask your rel(EVENT) Planner for the questionaire worksheet and script for your wedding website to keep everyone informed!
Phase 3: IMAGINING THE REALITY
Unless you are facing COVID-19 everyday by being in the healthcare field, have had COVID- 19 yourself or a family member has been affected by it, you may have a hard time actually wrapping your head around this invisible demon that has robbed you of your joy.
Most of my rel(EVENT) couples in the healthcare industry, postponed early on and pushed back a full year. They were in the trenches and saw firsthand the seriouslness of this illness and just could not continue to concentrate on their weddings, while being on the front line.
Other couples began to imagine guests with masks, elderly family unable to be there, and no dancing at their wedding. Even the best of us, who were trying to think of clever alternatives and solutions, had a hard time imagining a celebration without hugging, dancing and breaking bread next to family that may not have seen each other in years. Weddings and funerals are often the only time entire families gather together to reconnect. So to be unable to celebrate freely and see smiles, enjoy the laughter, and hear the singing….it’s just unimaginable. The reality hits hard.
Phase 4: DIMINISHED JOY
Once the reality sets in, many couples look desperately for loopholes in the mandates and guidelines. They look for ways to conceal their event, break rules, ignore common sense and even take on an attitude of “I don’t care, it’s my day”! They begin to imagine how food will have to be served differently, cake that will have to be roped off, tables set far apart, bigger tents having to be ordered, photos together withor without maskes….the list goes on and on and it is exhausting! They hold on to positivity as a lifeline. But the precautions offered by venues, vendors and even the couple themselves just don’t bring back the joy that they had when they got engaged. The excitement of getting married and celebrating with their loved ones is now exhausting, amidst all the other COVID-19 chaos.
When they realize the joy of a large wedding is gone, along with the financial losses they are about to encounter as second or final deposits are due, they now mourn the loss of their dream wedding. And with that comes tears of defeat. Even vendors feel the sadness along with the couples they’ve come to know. It’s just. So. Hard.
Phase 5: VALIDATION
After a few days of tears, and maybe even anger, most couples begin to feel relief. It’s true. They now feel a sense of peace knowing that in the end, they protected their families and friends (and even their vendors) and have done the right thing. Everyone is safe, no one has to travel to them, no one has to fear their large crowded event or wonder who they can hug and who will prefer 6 feet between them. The worries of the past months (most of them anyway) have been tabled or tossed. If they postpone, they most likely don’t have to give up their vision, their vendor team, their selections of food, floral and photos. But they can set is aside for a while and maybe even change a few details to make it fresh again for next year.
Many may refocus on what I call, Petite Elite weddings, with grand little details to make your microwedding special and elegant. Just a few members of your immediate family and maybe a few friends, (depending on your states mandates at the time) but with the focus on the ceremony, vows to each other and the between you, as well as around you.
Equally as special, these events can allow couples to get married now, celebrate later. The intimacy of these events is so meaningful, that I won’t be a bit surprised if many couples opt out of the larger celebration later. With down payments on houses, changes in careers or locations or even early starts to expanding their families….their priorities may change.
However, I doubt you, or anyone else will regret it, should you decide to proceed with a big vow renewal and celebrations with family and friends! After all we have been through with quarantining and halting our social lives, once it is safe to gather, I am excited to see just how happy everyone will be to celebrate life and all the great occasions we have missed! A party with everyone who loves you does not happen often, so after 2020, I think everyone is going to help couples create fun memories on their big wedding day!
Phase 6: TBD
The next phase has yet to be determined. But let’s hope somewhere in there is a celebration of some kind! Maybe it will be a vow renewal with all your friends and family gathered around holding hands reciting a new vow to support your future! Maybe it will be a big backyard BBQ with just great food and good times? Maybe it will be a vacation shared together at a resort with a sunrise ceremony symbolizing the new beginning for the couple surrounded by their closests friends and family. Maybe it will be a progressive, weeklong celebration with different groups celebrating the couple with more private events throughout the week.
If nothing else, COVID has taught us that its ok to do things a little differently and people will adapt. And we may learn a few ways to make weddings even better! I certainly feel we will continue to focus on the important parts of a couple’s launch into matrimony a little bit more, and maybe some of the excess stressors of planning a wedding will diminish. Let’s just hold on to that hope a little bit longer…..Stay Positively in Love!
